I never really read my Bible before.  I mean, I took it to church, underlined some things, but never really read it when no one was watching to see how Jesus-y I was.  I remember asking my Auntie Vera a couple years before that how I should read the Bible.  Like, where do I start?  I remember her telling me that the easy thing to do to sorta “get started” was to read Proverbs.  To only read one chapter, and to know which chapter to read by the day it was.  She told me, “There’s 31 chapters in Proverbs, so find out what day it is, read that chapter, and it’s a good way to get used to reading.  And if you ever miss a day, it’s okay, because next month, you’ll come across that day and make up for it.”

With that in mind, I read my Bible, Proverbs 30.  I’m not sure my life would’ve changed had I read any other chapter that day, but this one killed me.  You see, if you know me, you know I’m big on legacies.  Maybe it’s because I dealt with the reality that I will one day die while fighting cancer, or maybe I watch too many epic movies where the main character is obsessed with how he’s remembered, I don’t know… But it’s something I think about all the time, having a life that truly matters and makes a difference.

So there it was, “Surely I am more stupid than any man, and do not have the understanding of man.  I neither learned wisdom nor have knowledge of the Holy One…”

and it goes on, but those two verses, 1 and 2, ROCKED. MY. WORLD.

This dude is IN THE BIBLE and he’s calling himself the stupidest person around.  He’s IN THE BIBLE and he’s saying he doesn’t even know who God is.  Seriously?  If this guy is more stupid than any man, then what am I?

What am I?

I read on and the humility of the authors tone shook me.  He asked God for just enough.  Neither poverty nor riches.  To be surrounded around truth.  These are things I just couldn’t identify with.  I was only 19 but this much I did know, I was doing things the wrong way.  That evening, I closed my Bible, looked to the heavens, said “okay, Lord.” and went to sleep.

I promised God that I would do everything I can to stay humble (I know, my face is on the sidebar of this website, but hopefully you understand my heart).  I promised God that I would work hard and not seek poverty or riches (lest I be full and deny Him, or be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.).

These have been the 2 pillars of my life… my compass.  Humility and contentment.  I have failed.  I am failing.  I will fail again.  But my heading is the same.  Humility and contentment.

Most of you never knew me before Gamerosity.  My struggle to matter.  I thought God wanted me to be a pastor but I never even got one interview for the position.  I truly thought my identity was in being a pastor.  Teaching high school kids about Jesus and helping them through life’s difficulties was where all that surviving cancer and dealing with my faith was all going to be “worth it.”

But it never came.

So one day I asked my friends on Facebook if there was a kid with cancer who could use a smile. We met Michael and his family and gifted him an Xbox 360.  The feeling was amazing, but my two pillars, humility and contentment kept me focused.  Instead of feeling good about what I had done, I felt compelled to continue giving.  I had enough.  I have enough.  I am enough.  God is enough.

Gamerosity was born through this process.  Gamerosity evolved through this process.  Gamerosity remains because of this process.  Humility and contentment.

As we grew, the “Manny” brand began to grow and I was at a crossroads.  Do I buy into this lie that I’m more than what I really am?  Do I feed that “monster” that facade that manipulation that tries to convince people I’m more than some brown dude that struggles with his weight, loves sports, enjoys a good beer, curses sometimes, really just wants to design logos all day, and FOR ONCE finish a season of NBA2K before the season ends?

Humility and contentment.

I can’t be that guy for you or anyone.  I don’t think I need to be for Gamerosity to survive.  In fact, because of humility and contentment Gamerosity has turned into something truly beautiful and awe inspiring.  The only way this community could come together the way it has is if I let go and started handing the keys of charity over to the other kids and families looking for an opportunity to give back.  It’s difficult sometimes fighting that temptation to be “that guy” but really, there’s enough “that guy”‘s around that I don’t need to be.

I see it’s fruits nearly every day.  I see it when Jennah books and organizes an end of year banquet on her own because this is no longer MY charity, but OURS.  I see it when Griff posts an amazing Instagram shot because he gets to express his creativity in a positive way.  I see it when I get tagged in a photo of two heroes meeting for the first time for a delivery.  I see it when a sweet 9 year old cancer survivor donates her birthday so other kids can get Hero Packages, too.  There’s so much beauty happening, and to be completely honest, it brings me so much joy seeing something that began as an idea being expressed in different, creative ways because they’ve been freed up to care.

On the 30th of every month, I take a look within and remember this truth: Surely I am more stupid than any man.

Stay humble.  Seek contentment.  Be a lamp for others.  Help others find their way.  A lamp can’t light it’s own way.  A lamp’s purpose is to light the way for others.  You’ll find that, in doing so, your life will find deep, meaningful purpose.

Yeah.  I think it’s going to have to be.

I have to be transparent.  I want to be honest.  I’m the result of what happens when truly ordinary people attempt to do something worthwhile and meaningful.  Sure, I have some character traits that may fuel me to push harder on things others may choose not to be a part of, but the reality is, I’m honestly just some ordinary dude from the San Gabriel Valley.

One thing about me though is I have an obsessive personality.  Things HAVE to be done a certain way.  Gamerosity HAS to use certain colors, use specific language, and be presented a certain way.  Forte HAS to have certain design standards.  I care so deeply about how this is all perceived to the point that I exhaust those around me.

The last few months have been some of the most difficult months I’ve experienced in a long time.  The expectations, the responsibilities, the pressure, and most of all, the weather… the terrible, awful, depressing weather, has brought about this thick, dark, gloomy cloud of sadness in my soul.  This deep, piercing, inescapable darkness has hovered over me these last few months.

I’m still me.  I still have to be daddy to two beautiful children.  I still have to be husband to a loving wife.  I still have to be business owner and employer at a screen printing company, and, of course, I still have to be Executive Director of a forever fluctuating charity for childhood cancer.  I still make videos smiling and trying to be excited and vibrant and be the person(a) I’m expected to be.  But deep down, I just want my blanket burrito and The Office on repeat.  I mean, come on, I’m 33 years old.  I can’t spend much time self-examinating or introspecting anymore.  I have to keep moving forward and push through.  And if I’m being honest, no one really cares how I’m feeling if I’m not making an impact anyway.

And really, that’s the only anecdote I can think of… moving forward.  Never stopping, never waiting for someone else to make your day.  I don’t always do it right.  Some days I hope Griff will praise my shirt design or Rebekah will compliment an idea I have for Gamerosity or Lance will throw props for how thoughtful I (think I) am, but it’s not up to them to change my world, it’s up to me to change other peoples’ world.  People fail you.  Chances are, I’ve failed you.  And because we live in a very transactional culture, we expect people to improve our lives before we attempt to improve the lives of others.

That’s not reckless love.  Reckless love is assessing your beauty in how you support and love others.  I know sadness and depression make it difficult to make others feel loved, but push past it.  Your ROI gives forward.  Beauty is meant to be outward, not inward.  Give beauty, give love, give and trust God that your greatest value is found in bringing love and light to others, not putting out another’s light.  I’m guilty, but I’m not defeated.  I’m just a little sad.

So today, I want you to know that you’re beautiful.  I want you to know you have real, true, meaningful purpose in your life.  If I can help you in any way, I’ll try my best, just know that I’m here.  This sadness will pass.  Together.

I know what I’m supposed to act like.

I know the rules of this gig. I’ve spent my whole adult life preparing myself to live up to some sort of leadership position.

I’ve sat under dozens of leaders (some more leadery than others) who’ve handled their positions of leadership in various ways to set the good and/or bad example. Some faked it so well they spent decades fooling their following into one ideal or another. Others have done the complete opposite and care so deeply, give so generously, lead so faithfully they continue to inspire all who come in contact with them.

And then there’s me.

I’ve been using the hashtag #AccidentalLeader lately. For one, I love clever hashtags. Won’t take much to get me wanting to put something on a t-shirt! But for another, I honestly feel this is the role I’m living out at the moment.

I’m neither qualified nor deserving of the position I’ve been put in as the voice people hear when they press “play” in a Gamerosity video. I’m just some guy who got Stage 4 cancer when he was 15 and spent the better part of his adulthood trying to move on from it. I’m known as a cancer survivor yet most of my survivorship was trying to forget that time of my life (obviously only to have it coming back and becoming a major part of my life presently). This is, by and large, why I think it’s ridiculous to make Gamerosity about me; my only merit is having been through what these children are going through today.

I didn’t start Gamerosity because I somehow achieved great perspective in my life and therefore ready to show the world my greatness, I started it out of a inescapable compelling. I had to respond to this feeling in my heart. The results of that response, with the support of so many other people, has led me to this place.

Where is this place?

I can’t quite describe it. There’s a conscious awareness that the things I write have meaning, influence, and purpose in the lives of others. That comes with this heavy responsibility to ensure that my words are short and purposed. There’s a mutual trust between myself and those who respond to the things I write. I can’t break that trust.

How can I look upon this responsibility and take advantage of others from it? I can’t. I won’t. Ever.

Maybe that’s what leadership is. Maybe it’s a bunch of “what the heck do I say?!”‘s going on and I’m just one of them. I doubt it, but maybe? If it is, I guess I feel a lot better right now because, for the most part, before I address anything controversial going on with Gamerosity, I be sure to run it by Combsy and Carlos before it posts. More often then not, I find myself changing direction altogether on my position and taking their advice.

And lately, there’s been a lot of me having to go to these guys before I respond to something. I think that’s what this post is about, maybe.

Gamerosity is growing, there’s no denying that. Our following isn’t “huge” by comparison to others, but it’s strong. Super strong. And fairly ubiquitous, which is kind of cool. But also terrifying.

I get to have interactions with people who are just now learning about Gamerosity who have no idea of the journey it took to get where we are. They don’t know why we don’t share certain things, why we don’t say certain things, why we post what we post. They simply hold us to the typical “non-profit/charity” measuring rod that people have used their whole lives and wonder why we’re not like them. It’s cool, I understand this comes with the territory, but guess who has to answer those questions? Yeah, this guy. And while some people believe they’re the first person to give a percentage of their sales to Gamerosity in exchange for promoting their “event” on our Facebook page (I simply can’t turn Gamerosity into an ad page.), I’ve made promises.

I’ll never marginalize anyone’s efforts, that’s not my point. I think my point is that I have to answer to all of these inquiries as though they’re the first to approach us. Not for any other reason but the fact that people deserve to be appreciated for caring about our Charity. How do you do that without sounding condescending or scripted? Yeah, I don’t know either. I just try to be real.

It just seems like people expect so much more. It’s simple. Do you want to help the work we’re doing at Gamerosity? Cool. Do something about it with the time you have available.

You want me to do something about it? I’m sorry, I already am.

Gamerosity isn’t my playground, it’s my passion. I wanted to do something so I used the time I had, volunteered, put forth an effort, assembled a team, and pushed as hard as I could to show it to the world. If I fail, I fail.

At the end of the day, I’m just a graphic designer who works for a screen printing company and moonlights as an Executive Director.

I don’t know if those are the “words to say” and I don’t know if that was very leadery, but I do know that if I and a group of my friends can do something special in our free time, you can do anything you want if your motives are right. And yeah, your motives do matter.

I want to help kids with cancer know they’re loved and valued. Those are my motives. Not to be famous. Not to get rich. Not to have followers or to gain your respect. I don’t need to be affirmed or coddled. I just need you to buy a shirt and use our platform.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget his reaction.

My little brother works for me at our screen printing and graphic design company.  He has a ridiculously difficult job of making me happy in a detail oriented trade.  Honestly, he’s underpaid (most days) and has made major sacrifices to be a part of our company.  Most days, I forget he’s my brother during the day, we’re co-workers in the chaotic grind of our production schedule and our relationship Monday through Friday becomes more about business than anything else, so when he left for the day it was business as usual.

So why would an overworked and underpaid younger brother stick around a company that keeps him in a dark room covered in ink most of the day?  Probably love, and I think the fumes have maybe given him a co-dependency on the work environment.  Also, for consistent work, we’re usually fairly lenient on allowing him follow his passion with music.

As long as I remember him having a personality, he’s always been into music.  It’s his identity, it’s a part of who he is and in this case, word on the street is, he’s second to none on the bassoon, a bong-like instrument of bassy proportions.  He’s fantastic at it and it’s the biggest part of his life.  He’s not a rich man, he doesn’t have a whole lot of possessions and his most valuable possession doesn’t even belong to him, it’s property of SOU.

And in one fell swoop, a stranger broke into his car, crawled through the back where it was concealed, and stole it from his life.

He came back to the shop in a complete panic, hyperventilating and hysterical.  My heart fell to my stomach, I thought maybe he got jumped or hit by a car.  I was on the far side of the shop and didn’t see him, but only heard his exclamations as I rushed over to see what happened and where the blood is.  He finally communicated that his car was broken into and his bassoon is nowhere to be found.  (I want to get back to this and the point of my post, but first, I don’t want you distracted with whether or not his bassoon was recovered.)  What followed was hours of processes that must take place when your property is stolen; police reports, insurance calls, various phone calls to pawn shops and music stores, and of course prayer.  Later, around 6pm, he received a phone call that his bassoon was recovered in a dump after the thief was chased by a music store employee.  Order was (relatively) restored.  His $15,000 bassoon was back in his possession.  Hugs were exchanged, thanks were given, and dinner was eaten together as a family with much thanksgiving.

But I’m left with unresolved emotions.

And while I’m sure my brother no doubt has things going through his mind about his personal property, I still envision my younger brothers’ moment of panic and heartbreak with what was more than likely the most devastating tangible loss of his adult life.

He moved up to Oregon to start a new, better life.  I promised my dad I’d look after him and make sure that he’d never go without.  I’m his big brother and I saw my little brother get robbed of not just a possession but what would have potentially ruined his relationship with a school that has provided a platform for him to live out his passion.  And because my Facebook post had 50+ shares on it, I have absolutely no doubt that this thief has somehow ran across my shared post and still, in his own personal greed and self-preservation, scratched off the serial numbers of that bassoon in an attempt to sell it off for personal gain.

I assume crime is easy when you steal from the faceless.  I mean, who is my brother to this guy, anyway?  Was he just another mark?  Or did he see an opportunity because he doesn’t have an alarm system on his very basic, very standard vehicle and just happened upon his instrument?  Whatever it is, this person walked away with literally the one thing that would’ve broken my brothers’ heart.

I want to hate him.  When my brother got the call it was recovered, I had every curse word imaginable invading my heart.  I was a mix of elation and rage.  Relief and revenge.  I wanted to find this person and let all my instincts take over for what he did to my brother.

I want to hate him.

But I can’t.  Because I am that person.  I didn’t rob a car or steal someone’s possessions, but I am dead in my own sin:

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”  Ephesians 2:1-3

Who am I but someone who was once unredeemed?  Uncalled.  Unawakened.  How can I hate this person when I know that I was once dead in my trespasses once and by the grace of God, I die daily.

I have new reasons to love because I am so unlovable in my heart of hearts and yet still, I am loved by God.  That passage above goes on:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—” Ephesians 2:4,5

Oh man… “But God…” is right.  I love this thief that tried to ruin my brother’s life because of “But God.”  God is rich in mercy and I am His, how can I not extend mercy?  God has a great love that he loves us with in our darkest moments, how can I not love the unlovable?  I went from death to life, how do I dare curse the dead?

I can’t.  I won’t.  I love this person because, if God wills it, maybe I can call this person “brother” instead of “thief”…

I think that’s what #LoveRecklessly is about.  It’s unquantifiable, unqualifiable, unconventional.  Because God’s love is unconditional.

***Sidenote***
I can see how, if you don’t hold to my faith/worldview that perhaps I’m equating theft with all non-believers, please know my heart, that my intentions are not to shame anyone, but to promote love and even inclusion as my faith is the lens by which I view eternity.

I didn’t know her when she had Leukemia in Jr. High.  I went to a different Middle School so I had no clue.  I remember our mutual friends mentioning it here and there, but it was a lifetime before I met her, in another world where friends spoke of visiting Nicole in the hospital, when she lost her hair, and how they celebrated her being alive.  I never brought it up with her because, what did I know about cancer?  I had never even heard of SNL!  I thought it was best to just be a friend and never ask her about that life.  By Sophomore year we all started figuring out our “place” as High Schoolers.  She joined Drill Team, I was focused on basketball (and girls).

And then April 1st, 1999 happened…

What happened on April 1st, 1999?  “It is cancer” happened.  In a span of a month and a half, I gained a fresh new scar on my neck, a sweet new cane to help me walk from the tumors in my back, and a fancy new diagnosis as a cancer patient.  Literally the first thing that came to my mind on that long drive from West Covina to Montebello in my dad’s white van back to school was “If Nicole could beat cancer, I could beat it.” And I kept thinking that over and over in my head.

By the time I got back to school, I was numb.  Why my dad let me go back to school is beyond me.  He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him “just take me to school.” I think we both knew neither of us were much for words in that moment.  His son just got diagnosed with cancer, who has the right words in moments like that?

I walked my way to the quad, it was lunch time.  I walked to the spot where my friends ate their lunch and I thought to myself, “just keep it low key, Manny. No need for a scene, nobody really cares anyway.  Just go through your day, let Mike know, maybe Marlyna.  Ruben (my brother) will find out later, we don’t hang out at school anyway.”  By this time, everything is moving in slow motion and I see Mike.  Mike is smiling, carefree, no worries.  He looked at me and it was obvious I have no poker face because his smile was instantly gone.  He knew what was up.  He asked what was going on, and I lost it.  Completely lost it.  I managed to bumble out the words, “I have cancer” and then the tears and life became a dramatic, poorly directed teen genre movie.  Everyone was crying.  Everyone.  And somehow, in this moment that stood still word got to my brother and he came running over to see what was going on and we hugged.  It was surreal.

That was my, “how did you react when you got cancer” moment.

Nicole and I never talked about it. I don’t know if she felt guilty or if she just didn’t have the words to say, or what… but when I looked into her eyes, all I saw was sadness, pain, and hurt.  Like she just couldn’t get away from cancer, because here I am, with devastating news of myself.  She knew the road that was ahead of me.  All I knew was, if Nicole could do it, so can I.  I said that to myself often throughout treatment.

If Nicole could beat this thing, so can I.

Fastforward 6 months or so.

Mike is now Starting QB for our JV football team our Junior year of high school.  I just finished chemo.  My hair is peach fuzz now, and I’m feeling pretty good about life.  I’m sitting with my friend Camille watching the game and after a few minutes she asks, “Did you hear about Nicole?” and the second she says that, I knew.  Nicole relapsed.  She has leukemia again.  I ask if she knew where she was at and I chase her down.

Nicole and I sat at the steps leading to the basketball gym, just us.  Most people are either watching the football game or doing their own thing.  We’re both in tears and I ask her how she’s doing.  She says she’s ok.  I put my arm around her and I say, “Nicole, look at me, if I can beat this, so can you.” and she smiles and says, “I know” but her eyes are teary and defeated.  I say a couple more things and then I head back to the game in a fog of sadness.

Like, how can this happen?  It’s not fair.  Nicole wasn’t supposed to get cancer again.  She was supposed to be fine and her and I were going to be these two awesome friends, survivors, who beat cancer, a pillar of strength and survivorship.  She’s got to beat this.

I never visited Nicole in the hospital.  Ever.  I saw her once while she was in treatment. She came by the school.  She was about 40 lbs lighter, wearing a wig, in a wheelchair.  She was so sick.  I tried to be funny and make her laugh and I failed miserably.  I mentioned something about eating a double-double and she gave a faint smile and said “I wish” (I can’t imagine when she last ate, knowing what I know now). I said goodbye and went back to practice.

The next time I saw Nicole was her funeral.

I cried so hard at her funeral.  Mike tried calming me down, but I couldn’t adequately describe the guilt I felt for not being there for her.  Of all people on this planet, I should’ve been a better friend to her.  I’ll never forgive myself for that.

I have a lot of Nicoles in my life now.  A lot of incredible human beings who shined a light so bright only to have it snuffed out by cancer.  Brilliant minds.  Kind hearts.  Giving souls.  Just talented people. And yet, here I am, alive when these other people aren’t.  I carry them with me because I’m not a parent of a child with cancer.  I’m not an artist or talented person who, because of my wonderful heart, has dedicated my life to using my talent for good.  I’m one of them, but I’m left on the other side of it as a Survivor.  And I’ve made them all a promise.

My promise isn’t to find a cure or any incredible mission like that.  My promise is to be there.  To let kids with cancer know they’re not forgotten and that they’re valued.  To honor Nicoles legacy, Michael’s legacy, Lola’s, Yesenia’s, Alex’s, Jack’s, and all these beautiful children I’ve met along the way.  It’s the only way I can temper this deep, deep pain and guilt in my heart.

Gamerosity is for them.  I believe in God.  I believe that Jesus healed me.  A lot of my life, I tried to find purpose in it.  It wasn’t until I stopped trying to dedicate my life to it and started dedicating it to them that I found real power in this healing.

I’m not sure I’ll ever escape the guilt that comes with Survivorship.  I worry less and less about escaping it as the days go by.  The guilt is a part of me.  If you know me, chances are you’ve seen it in my eyes.

Just don’t mind me when I get like that.  I’m still trying to figure it all out.

How is this my life?

Honestly, I have no clue, but I’m never going to wake up from this dream.

Over the last week, I’ve been able to meet hundreds of incredible people who shared thoughtful, heartfelt words of gratitude about Gamerosity and the role I get to play in it.  Our first ever GameOn Day outside of our HQ (Medford, OR) was a huge success.  It was unbelievable watching so many families and friends and loved ones get together and live out our vision for this day.  All we wanted to do was give children and families a chance to simply BE KIDS!  To enjoy life and childhood and all the things cancer tries to steal away.

We were at it for months leading up to the event.  Facebook Messages at all hours of the day with acquaintances who would later become friends and after that, become family.  Phone calls, emails, daily check-in’s and even challenging conversations about accomplishing goals were exchanged with a group of 9 individuals who I believe shared my heart for Childhood Cancer.  It all culminated last Saturday as all these plans turned into reality and a field full of people on a college campus enjoyed life together.

“This is the edge of life.” I felt myself saying and thinking over and over again.  Truthfully, a part of me doesn’t know what it means, but I definitely know what it feels like.  It’s the depth of emotion and the line we walk on between generosity and vulnerability.  It means exposing your heart and allowing the gamut of emotions to be experienced, unguarded.  It’s the place many don’t allow themselves to go because it’s too difficult articulating, managing, and explaining away these feelings.

All we cared about was bringing joy, and all we experienced was gratitude reciprocated.  It’s so humbling to be a part of, it breaks me to feel all this emotion and not know precisely how to approach it all, other than to fall on my knees and thank God for allowing me to be as broken as these families need me to be.  And truly, I was.  Broken and humbled.

I met so many families. So many traveled from so far just to introduce themselves and share their love for our (apparently not-so) little non-profit.  One family traveled 4 hours each way to come hang out.  Others, a couple hours.  How can I not thank them and be humble for such genuine acts of love?

How can I not be overwhelmed when a sweet young girl sees me at Children’s Hospital and recognizes me because we delivered a Hero Package to her 2 years ago?  How in the world can she even remember who I am?  I’m just some dude!  How can facilitating special packages mean so much to so many people?  I mean, a lot of people ship packages to children?  I don’t have a unique mission.  What makes me so lucky to care and be cared for?  I don’t know, honestly.

All I really know and care about is that I’m going to stand on the Edge, be vulnerable and allow God to use me as He sees fit.  I promise, I won’t protect my feelings, I’ll take it all in.  The joy, the good times, the pain, the bad times. The heartbreak and the hustle, I’m going to live in it because one day, I’m going to die.  And when that happens, I want to be remembered for doing the Baymax Big Hero 6 fist bump with Brooklyn.  I want to be remembered for giving a 15 year old boy with Leukemia an Xbox 360 just because.  I want to be remembered for the moments that no cameras are around and I take a terminal 12 year old boy to see Ninja Turtles because I think he’d like it.  I want to be remembered for living on the Edge of Life, inhaling opportunities to love, exhaling gratitude.  Every moment.

Is it for you?  It’s for all of us.  I don’t believe God made us to play it safe when it comes to being vulnerable with our emotions and helping others.  I don’t believe God has called us to passively care for others.  We weren’t made to sit on the sidelines and provide commentary, nor were we made to protect our emotions for fear of seeming human.  You were made for this.  Whatever it is that stirs your heart that helps other people, get all the way to the edge.  If you fail, fail gloriously. You’ll find out more about yourself than you ever have your whole life.  You’re capable of so much good, you just have to be okay with the pain of helping others, because the purpose in the pain is so rich.

I’m no one special.  I’m the leader of a non-profit that empowers children with cancer, no idea why the Board still let’s me do it, other than they know I’ve allowed my identity to be fully engulfed in this process.  And if you see me, I hope we can encourage one another to do great things for others.  I hope you know I’m just like you, and I pray we get to see the world get just a little more life-y-er together.

#LiveYourGratitude

• I am an executive pastor at Rogue Valley Fellowship, it is my full time job.
• I have started going back to school at Pacific Bible College.
• I am the President of the board for Gamerosity.
• I occasionally help my parents out with their trampoline park.
• My wife and I have four amazing children.
• I tend to get involved in a lot of extra events and activities.

To start I wanted to make sure that I mention the support from Jessica, my wife, is really the key to this whole thing. Without her I would not be able to do half the things I get to do. She encourages, supports, and comes along side me when needed. She is amazing.

You may have a busy life like I do, you feel like you never can catch up. I am going to give you 3 ways that have helped to simplify my days and allow me to do what I want to do. They are all quick and can instantly give you more time to do what actually matters.

Remove Responsibilities

Take the time to write out your responsibilities on a piece of paper. I say a piece of paper because you need to do this without distractions. Write down every single thing you owe time and your skills to. For me this has taken a while to become a solid discipline. The more I do it though, the more I can weed out things I do that I shouldn’t be doing.

I used to play a lot of slow-pitch softball. It was fun and I had a good time, however, it tended to eat up a lot of family time. It also had the added con of watching a lot of my friends get hurt. Eventually I had to realize that this was a good thing that had to go. I am now able to use that time elsewhere, I don’t regret stopping for a second.

Start a Morning Routine

I guess you could say I am a full believer in this, but not always the best practitioner. Though, when I do commit to creating a morning routine my days go so much better.

There are usually weeks at a time where I do everything that I want to do in the morning in order to prepare for the day, these are my favorite weeks of the year.

The days I can accomplish all of my routine, I feel really great about starting my day. On top of that I have simplified my morning. You ask how? When you set a routine, even though you are adding “complexity” to your morning, you actually are removing all the millions of other choices you could make in the morning.

If you remove the freedom of choice for any time of day, you are simplifying that portion of your day. Plan out your lunch break every day and do the same thing every time. This allows you to get a lot of things done that you want to do at a scheduled time and therefore frees up other parts of your day for freedom of choice.

End Your Day Well

Whether you have a 9-5 or you never are off (all the moms out there) it is important to end your day way. Whenever I plan on leaving for the day I take 30 minutes before I go and process everything I have done.

I have a huge whiteboard that I just start writing things down on. Usually I already have a huge checklist that I have been working through. I take a picture with my phone so I have a record of what I did and then I erase everything I checked off. Whatever is left makes it to tomorrow’s list. I’ll even make notes next to the items if I am waiting on someone else to complete it.

So why do I recommend spending the last 30 minutes of your day doing this? I’ll tell you why, because a lot of the problem with a life that feels too complicated is that your mind is thinking about too many things. You head home and you are still thinking about the 5 things you have to do tomorrow. When you allow yourself to process it and make those lists, then you can allow your mind to leave it at work.

There you go, 3 things that take 30 minutes or less to focus, start, and end your day right.

Grace & Peace,

Life is tumultuous, heartbreaking, and chaotic.  But, it’s also incredibly beautiful.  I know, I know… very insightful. Here’s something else I’ve noticed about life; It’s incredibly easy to settle for less. The easy route to “I’ve always wanted to…” is always open.  You’re tired, I’m tired, work is hard, kids have been crabby all day, your electric bill just went up, I GET IT!  But the greatest mistake we can make is to accept life’s challenges as an opportunity to throw in the towel.

I know purpose is out there.  And I know it’s for EVERYONE.  I know this because I know who I am to my very core.

I’m the 2nd born of a split family.  My childhood wasn’t easy.  There were plenty of dark times sprinkled in.  I have 4 brothers and everyone would tell you straight up, “You don’t know the real Manny.”  They tell you this because they were only there for the start of my race.  I’ve lived through abuse, physical and otherwise.  My name was an “insult” among my family, cousins, and uncles.  If someone did something silly or goofy, it would be described as being “Manuelistic” and the crowd would laugh at my expense.  (If it came down to it, these same people would run in front of a car for me, they’d just laugh at me after for getting myself in that situation.  But I needed more.  I need(ed) understanding, compassion.)

Our culture can be funny.  We tend to put-down friends and family in success instead of uplift.  We tend to feel it’s our public duty to keep family from getting a “big head” through success.  Oftentimes, they succeed.

I knew no worth other than the embrace of my compassionate mother who’d tell me, “things will change, it won’t always be like this.”

Why do I reveal this?  Because we all have a past.  And maybe it’s because I’m coming off a very difficult season from ACL surgery and am hopped up on pain killers, but I’m okay with showing my scars today.

Because you have scars too.  And maybe someone in your life is trying to keep you from allowing yourself to move on and progress in your life.  And maybe you need someone like me to tell you to shed your old skin, be comfortable in your new skin, and be a DreamCatcher.  Be fierce.  Be relentless.  Be unapologetic about who you are.  Your antagonizers want you to fit you into the box they only comprehend, don’t let them put you back in there.  Be you.

But don’t just be you, be the you that YOU KNOW you can be.  Be the you that can change other peoples lives.  Be the you that God has fearfully and wonderfully made you to be.

Because the world needs more you’s and less them’s.

Your past is your gift, for better or for worse.  It belongs to you and you can choose to use your gift as an excuse, a curse, or you can choose to channel it into something positive.  Something that EMPOWERS YOU instead of something that weighs you down.

There are no perfect days, just perfect opportunities.

I don’t always get it right, but that’s the point.  Get past the idea that you need to have it together before you try to lead, grow, or do anything of worth.  Understanding your past, accepting your frailty, and allowing your humanity to show is where REAL LIFE is lived.  I’m not a campaign, I’m just some dude who wants to make a difference.  I know there are people who’d rather I keep quiet, stop sensationalizing everything, and live out my days.  I’d rather Love Recklessly and make some waves.

Who knows, maybe a ripple of my actions can inspire someone out there to see their beautiful value and launch out into a life of sweet, glorious purpose.

Here’s what we don’t see:  The Journey.  We love our stars, we idolize our mentors, but long before they’re spotlighted in your favorite magazine, blog, or movie, they’re finding their way, living their struggles, and writing their story.

And I LOVE that!

That means, (wait for it), you are in the middle of your story!  You’re not at the finish line, you and I are smack dab, perfectly right where we need to be.  And to be honest, I’m glad we don’t start at the finish line.  I’m glad people can’t look at me and see a finished product.  I’m so grateful we get to live out each day, living, listening, loving, and learning from the lessons we encounter.

I don’t need to be strong, I need to be in progress.  That’s what Love Recklessly is… It’s the beauty in the chaos, the process of loving others and stepping back from ourselves and into a life of purpose.  I don’t want unshakeable faith… I want a shakeable faith, one that is always tested.  From trials to opportunities to setbacks, it’s all shaking up the way we approach the reality of who we are in light of who God is.  Here are 4 ways we shake up our faith:

Living

You don’t know what you believe till you get out there and have your worldview challenged.  Meet new people, give to the needy.  Lend your time, talents, and treasures to perfect strangers.  Go on a spontaneous trip.  Go a day without your cell phone and take in the energy of the world around you.  Seriously.

Listening

Be intentional about the lives of others.  Ask questions.  Find out what peoples’ back stories are.  Where do they come from?  What do they love to do?  What’s their story?  You’ll find out so much from this.  They’re human, they’re different than you, and most of all, you need to love that person because these encounters are divine appointments.  You’ll become vulnerable from these encounters, but that’s the point, it’s no longer “just you and Jesus”… it’s you, Jesus, and the rest of the people He created.

Loving

That homeless guy.  That moody lady.  That dirty child.  That person with a disability you don’t understand.  Mark Driscoll calls these people “Image Bearers” and it shakes me to my core.  These people bear the image of God, yet we treat them like objects.  Stop seeing them as objects, start seeing them as preciously, fearfully, wonderfully made people deserving of your respect and reckless love.  Start doing it and watch it shake you.

Learning

Take all these encounters and begin every thought with the reality that you don’t have it all together.  And that’s fine.  What did you learn about your faith from stepping up, stepping out, and caring for those you wouldn’t normally care for?
I think too often, we like a watered down, good-enough version of our faith.  We like having an ambiguous faith that can get us out of a bind, but not necessarily disrupt our daily lives.  I’m not sure that’s how God designed a relationship to be.  It has ups and downs, twists and turns, and is meant to constantly examined and re-examined.  And none of that is bad.  Sometimes you’ll have doubts, and sometimes you’ll know without a doubt that you’re serving a greater purpose, but never will you ever need to worry about having it together.

Love Recklessly isn’t about the finish line.  I’m still in the race trying to figure out if I’ll ever make it.  I want you to run your race alongside me.  I want to encourage you to endure, while you help correct my form.  We’re in this together.  For better or for worse, let’s shake up our faith and let iron sharpen iron and finish strong.

You ever hit a point where you held yourself hostage to this image of strength you tried to portray?  How did you overcome that?  What advice do you have for those who are dealing with this?  Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I’ve encountered along my journey so many people seeking desperately to matter.  And I agree with them.  Everyone should matter.  Everyone matters.   I want you to find your deep purpose in this life.  If you don’t feel you’re living it right now, trust me, you are.  You may not feel as though it’s playing out the way you plan, but man, oh man, you’re smack dab in the middle of a beautiful story.  And it’s different than everyone else!

More than anything, I want to encourage you to LIVE YOUR STORY, not anothers, just BE YOU.

Somewhere along our journeys, we try to take shortcuts to prominence. But don’t be mistaken, shortcuts hurt people.  Taking the easy way out of our journey is effectively lopping off the heads of those in your way so you can fast-forward to a position that, in your opinion, matters more than where you’re at now.  I know this, because I’ve lived this.  I’ve learned that you have to honor the process in your journey.  You can’t hurt people and apologize later.

People do what they want

This was something someone told me a few years back that I’ve carried with me to this day.  I hurt someone.  I told them I didn’t mean to hurt them in my effort to matter.  The response I received was “People do what they want.”  that statement sat heavy in my heart and will never leave.

Think about that statement.  People do what they want.  You may be thinking, “I’m not doing what I want with my life right now.”  Well, are you?  If you say you want to wake up at 5 in the morning to go on a morning run, but you can’t get yourself up out of bed, then, well, you actually want to sleep in, not wake up early.  If you’re telling me you want to learn how to play guitar, or write a blog, or be a better parent, leader, or read more… The proof is in the pudding.

You do what you want. If you want to start a non-profit, then start a non-profit.  We talk about closed doors and open doors all the time, have you ever stopped and talked about the doors you kicked open and ran through?  That door is open if you want to go through it.  That’s what #LoveRecklessly is all about.

There are no more victims. There is only empowerment. What do you want to do? Do it.

Circumstances can easily change the trajectory of your journey, but you should always be moving towards your purpose. Always.  If fear is enabling you to continue with making excuses, I encourage you, with everything in me, move past the excuses.  I KNOW you want to be significant.  I know this because I want the same thing.

Some days I’m dog-tired.  I work a lot, Gamerosity asks a lot of me, I’m a dad to 2 beautiful children, and I have a fantastic wife who loves spending time with me.  Excuses are easy, but I have to ask myself, “what do I WANT out of this life?” after that, everything is easy.  I want to show kids with cancer that I love them, I care for them, and that we remember them.  That can’t happen without putting in work. I do what I want.  My actions will always show that.  And until I see the face of Jesus, I’ll kick through every door I encounter.  I hope you do the same.

How about you?  You ever feel like the world is keeping you from being significant?  Like circumstances are getting in the way?  How’d you overcome them?  How do you find empowerment?