I never really read my Bible before.  I mean, I took it to church, underlined some things, but never really read it when no one was watching to see how Jesus-y I was.  I remember asking my Auntie Vera a couple years before that how I should read the Bible.  Like, where do I start?  I remember her telling me that the easy thing to do to sorta “get started” was to read Proverbs.  To only read one chapter, and to know which chapter to read by the day it was.  She told me, “There’s 31 chapters in Proverbs, so find out what day it is, read that chapter, and it’s a good way to get used to reading.  And if you ever miss a day, it’s okay, because next month, you’ll come across that day and make up for it.”

With that in mind, I read my Bible, Proverbs 30.  I’m not sure my life would’ve changed had I read any other chapter that day, but this one killed me.  You see, if you know me, you know I’m big on legacies.  Maybe it’s because I dealt with the reality that I will one day die while fighting cancer, or maybe I watch too many epic movies where the main character is obsessed with how he’s remembered, I don’t know… But it’s something I think about all the time, having a life that truly matters and makes a difference.

So there it was, “Surely I am more stupid than any man, and do not have the understanding of man.  I neither learned wisdom nor have knowledge of the Holy One…”

and it goes on, but those two verses, 1 and 2, ROCKED. MY. WORLD.

This dude is IN THE BIBLE and he’s calling himself the stupidest person around.  He’s IN THE BIBLE and he’s saying he doesn’t even know who God is.  Seriously?  If this guy is more stupid than any man, then what am I?

What am I?

I read on and the humility of the authors tone shook me.  He asked God for just enough.  Neither poverty nor riches.  To be surrounded around truth.  These are things I just couldn’t identify with.  I was only 19 but this much I did know, I was doing things the wrong way.  That evening, I closed my Bible, looked to the heavens, said “okay, Lord.” and went to sleep.

I promised God that I would do everything I can to stay humble (I know, my face is on the sidebar of this website, but hopefully you understand my heart).  I promised God that I would work hard and not seek poverty or riches (lest I be full and deny Him, or be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.).

These have been the 2 pillars of my life… my compass.  Humility and contentment.  I have failed.  I am failing.  I will fail again.  But my heading is the same.  Humility and contentment.

Most of you never knew me before Gamerosity.  My struggle to matter.  I thought God wanted me to be a pastor but I never even got one interview for the position.  I truly thought my identity was in being a pastor.  Teaching high school kids about Jesus and helping them through life’s difficulties was where all that surviving cancer and dealing with my faith was all going to be “worth it.”

But it never came.

So one day I asked my friends on Facebook if there was a kid with cancer who could use a smile. We met Michael and his family and gifted him an Xbox 360.  The feeling was amazing, but my two pillars, humility and contentment kept me focused.  Instead of feeling good about what I had done, I felt compelled to continue giving.  I had enough.  I have enough.  I am enough.  God is enough.

Gamerosity was born through this process.  Gamerosity evolved through this process.  Gamerosity remains because of this process.  Humility and contentment.

As we grew, the “Manny” brand began to grow and I was at a crossroads.  Do I buy into this lie that I’m more than what I really am?  Do I feed that “monster” that facade that manipulation that tries to convince people I’m more than some brown dude that struggles with his weight, loves sports, enjoys a good beer, curses sometimes, really just wants to design logos all day, and FOR ONCE finish a season of NBA2K before the season ends?

Humility and contentment.

I can’t be that guy for you or anyone.  I don’t think I need to be for Gamerosity to survive.  In fact, because of humility and contentment Gamerosity has turned into something truly beautiful and awe inspiring.  The only way this community could come together the way it has is if I let go and started handing the keys of charity over to the other kids and families looking for an opportunity to give back.  It’s difficult sometimes fighting that temptation to be “that guy” but really, there’s enough “that guy”‘s around that I don’t need to be.

I see it’s fruits nearly every day.  I see it when Jennah books and organizes an end of year banquet on her own because this is no longer MY charity, but OURS.  I see it when Griff posts an amazing Instagram shot because he gets to express his creativity in a positive way.  I see it when I get tagged in a photo of two heroes meeting for the first time for a delivery.  I see it when a sweet 9 year old cancer survivor donates her birthday so other kids can get Hero Packages, too.  There’s so much beauty happening, and to be completely honest, it brings me so much joy seeing something that began as an idea being expressed in different, creative ways because they’ve been freed up to care.

On the 30th of every month, I take a look within and remember this truth: Surely I am more stupid than any man.

Stay humble.  Seek contentment.  Be a lamp for others.  Help others find their way.  A lamp can’t light it’s own way.  A lamp’s purpose is to light the way for others.  You’ll find that, in doing so, your life will find deep, meaningful purpose.

Obviously, right?  Most people who interact with me on a daily basis do so because we share a similar trial through cancer.  Others have their own hardships and difficulties they’ve encountered along the way.  Because my story was cancer doesn’t make it any more or less valid than what you’re going through personally.

Lately, I’ve been looking at the journey I’ve been on these last 4+ years of running Gamerosity and it’s blown my mind just how much the responsibility of leadership and purpose have changed me.  TimeHop is probably one of the most useful apps I have on my phone.  For so many, it’s an opportunity to revisit just how much their children have grown, for others, how much weight they’ve gained/lost, and others it’s a chance to see how much they’ve grown personally.  While the first two apply in my life, it’s the latter, seeing how much I’ve grown personally, that keeps me coming back to that app and keeping my daily streak alive.

Oh man, was I dramatic.  I mean, you think I’m dramatic now, it was pretty bad in the past.  Doubt and frustration and faithlessness looking for something to dig in to.  The easy thing to say is that Gamerosity gave me purpose and is why I have my stuff together today.

But it’s a lie.

At least the “have my stuff together today” part.  Every day is a challenge.  Every day I find myself doubting my purpose, fighting my doubt, and overcoming frustration.   Some days, I fail.  Some I win.  But every day I move forward.

I’m calling it “Smile & Error.”  Clever, I know.

I’m a broken man.  As I type this, I’m scrambling to pick up the digital pieces of our charity and find reasonable, sustainable solutions that help us accomplish our goals.

On the surface, Gamerosity is thriving more than it ever has.  Kids are leading other kids!  Hero Packages are getting funded!  GameOn Day Wisconsin is funded!  I just had a meeting for GameOn Day Portland about getting inflatables funded which went really well.  But underneath the surface, I had plans for this charity for 2017.  Great ones!  Unique ones that would reinforce the overall health and sustainability of our charity.  I spent hundreds of hours planning through it and even designing the processes for this to become a reality and yesterday I finally had to accept the fact that things aren’t going to happen the way I planned and I’ll have to start over.  My heart is broken and yet, I’m reinvigorated to find new solutions to overcome these issues.

You can be sad and excited at the same time.  Setbacks don’t mean failure and delays aren’t permanent unless you let them define you.

There’s so much… LIFE in this life.  So many opportunities to learn through Smile & Error.  You have to seek out new opportunities to grow and improve no matter the setbacks you face and the walls you have to hurdle.  If you don’t, you’ve already lost.  Life will not give you the answers, you have to seek them, and not just seek them, but fight for them.  I guess the point of this is to encourage you to rejoice despite your sorrow and move forward no matter how much life’s disappointment tries to paralyze you.

There will be hard times and failure even after you “figure it out” because that’s just the way of the world.  Smiling through these things isn’t my literal point, it’s a mindset that you’re willing to overcome whatever adversity comes your way.  Because, trust me, I’m not physically smiling right now.  If anything, in this moment, I’m more so snarling in the corner of a dark room.  The implication, however, is that we not only can be gracious in the process, we have to be.  Choose to extend grace to those you may not feel deserve it, and receive grace to those you encounter that offer it because you’re gonna need it if you’re going to get through this life.

Man, the stories I could tell you of interactions I’ve had with other individuals, businesses, and even charity leaders.  The different ways I’ve been burned in the last few years both personally and professionally, it’s insane.  If only you knew…  But that’s my point, redemption doesn’t come exclusively in our “doing” it comes in our perseverance and tenacity.  Because once we begin working through these emotions in a positive way, you will still come across adversity from those you least expect it.  And if you’re not in the right mindset, it will break you. Don’t let it.  Smile & Error.  Learn from it, pick yourself up, and keep moving forward.  Don’t throw people under the bus, instead, extend grace.  The biggest gift I’ve ever given is not sharing some of the worst offenses against me with anyone else.  There’s my smile.  There’s the grace I get to extend.  And as awesome as that grace is, it doesn’t hold a candle to the grace given me by my Father in Heaven.  It’s hard for me to hold offenses against others when I look at things from that perspective.

What a lovely gift.  Grace.

And while you’re scraping and clawing and failing and succeeding on this road to purpose, understand that everyone else is doing the same.  Don’t let them give up, either.

Yeah.  I think it’s going to have to be.

I have to be transparent.  I want to be honest.  I’m the result of what happens when truly ordinary people attempt to do something worthwhile and meaningful.  Sure, I have some character traits that may fuel me to push harder on things others may choose not to be a part of, but the reality is, I’m honestly just some ordinary dude from the San Gabriel Valley.

One thing about me though is I have an obsessive personality.  Things HAVE to be done a certain way.  Gamerosity HAS to use certain colors, use specific language, and be presented a certain way.  Forte HAS to have certain design standards.  I care so deeply about how this is all perceived to the point that I exhaust those around me.

The last few months have been some of the most difficult months I’ve experienced in a long time.  The expectations, the responsibilities, the pressure, and most of all, the weather… the terrible, awful, depressing weather, has brought about this thick, dark, gloomy cloud of sadness in my soul.  This deep, piercing, inescapable darkness has hovered over me these last few months.

I’m still me.  I still have to be daddy to two beautiful children.  I still have to be husband to a loving wife.  I still have to be business owner and employer at a screen printing company, and, of course, I still have to be Executive Director of a forever fluctuating charity for childhood cancer.  I still make videos smiling and trying to be excited and vibrant and be the person(a) I’m expected to be.  But deep down, I just want my blanket burrito and The Office on repeat.  I mean, come on, I’m 33 years old.  I can’t spend much time self-examinating or introspecting anymore.  I have to keep moving forward and push through.  And if I’m being honest, no one really cares how I’m feeling if I’m not making an impact anyway.

And really, that’s the only anecdote I can think of… moving forward.  Never stopping, never waiting for someone else to make your day.  I don’t always do it right.  Some days I hope Griff will praise my shirt design or Rebekah will compliment an idea I have for Gamerosity or Lance will throw props for how thoughtful I (think I) am, but it’s not up to them to change my world, it’s up to me to change other peoples’ world.  People fail you.  Chances are, I’ve failed you.  And because we live in a very transactional culture, we expect people to improve our lives before we attempt to improve the lives of others.

That’s not reckless love.  Reckless love is assessing your beauty in how you support and love others.  I know sadness and depression make it difficult to make others feel loved, but push past it.  Your ROI gives forward.  Beauty is meant to be outward, not inward.  Give beauty, give love, give and trust God that your greatest value is found in bringing love and light to others, not putting out another’s light.  I’m guilty, but I’m not defeated.  I’m just a little sad.

So today, I want you to know that you’re beautiful.  I want you to know you have real, true, meaningful purpose in your life.  If I can help you in any way, I’ll try my best, just know that I’m here.  This sadness will pass.  Together.

There, I said it.

I just spent a week in Milwaukee, Wisconsin hanging, prepping, and spending time at our annual community service event we affectionately refer to as GameOn Day.  I met hundreds of people who don’t see me as a Screen Printer but as a Change Maker for childhood cancer.  Like an alter ego.  “Gamerosity Manny” and “Manny the shirt guy” have an alternating relationship with one another.

This isn’t hyperbole either.  Last Friday we spent the day at Children’s Hospital where we delivered 2 Hero Packages, celebrated a boy’s Bell Ringing Ceremony to celebrate the end of his chemo cycle, and hung out with a handful of children at a special Gamerosity event.  As I was walking out of Children’s Hospital, I received a phone call that one of my employees broke a $200 plate of glass that effectively shuts down our operations until we can get it replaced.  It’s an interesting dynamic when in the same 60 second span I get to meet a child who is pumped to meet me because I’m “Manny the Gamerosity guy” and at the same time fielding phone calls from customers who are worried my trip will effect their timelines.  One moment, I have a microphone in my hands sharing the vision behind our little charity and the next I’m answering an email from a lady who needs 8 shirts for a family reunion.

No matter how far I travel, I’m a Screen Printer.  No matter how many lives I get to interact with, I’m a Screen Printer.  I can’t escape it.  It’s who I am.

But it does not limit me.  Ever.  And it shouldn’t limit you.

When we first started Gamerosity, I used to say cheesy lines like, “God can do extraordinary things through extra-ordinary people.” my point the whole time wasn’t to garner praise or encouragement from others, it was to hopefully encourage you who feel this burning in your heart to change the world that the difference between the wanters and the disrupters is simply moving forward.

You want to start a charity?  Do it. You want to volunteer your time? Do. It.  Your job isn’t IN your way, your job IS your way, it’s what finances your ability to take risks. The sooner you start seeing it that way, the sooner you can start filling that void in your soul that screams, “YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE THAN THIS!”

Sure those hours that you could be changing the world you’re stuck behind a desk or on the job site or whatever!  But if you’re not making a little difference behind a desk, you won’t make much of an impact when you (finally) land that job for that charity you’ve been wanting to work for!  You need that journey, that rocky road, that struggle.  You need to look back and see how your job helped you get to a place of great impact.

There was a time I hated Forte.  It was my burden.  It kept me from Gamerosity with all it’s logo revisions and business card designs and “I want American Apparel shirts but for $5/shirt and I only need 8 shirts” and all the other things that go into the daily grind at our shop.  All I wanted to do was make videos, design Gamerosity graphics, fill Hero Packages, and strategize new ways to make the platform more sustainable.  I hated Forte for getting in my way.

I didn’t see the beauty in my day job.  It feeds my family.  It keeps my wife home with the kiddos.  It puts clothes on our backs and it puts a roof over our heads.  It finances Gamerosity.  Any work I put into Gamerosity is because I’ve been given the freedom through the job I have.

Gamerosity families don’t need me to work on Gamerosity full time, they just need me to care and respond from my heart.  The rest is just selfishness and short-sightedness.  Now don’t get me wrong, there’s NOTHING wrong with working a Charity full-time, its a dream of mine and maybe one day that’ll happen in my life.   We pay these Charity workers so they don’t have to do anything else, so they can give their full attention to this cause, that’s important!  Let’s be honest, Peach belongs at the MadLab changing children’s lives!  I’m a monthly donor because I never want to see her have to split her time!

Our culture likes to make excuses.  We say we can’t make a difference because we have no time and our jobs get in the way but we’ll Netflix binge for 4 hours straight without any guilt or hesitation.  Listen, our free time LIVES IN INCONVENIENCE!  That’s where it thrives, where it flourishes, where it manifests!  We’ll talk about Game of Thrones, The Bachelor, The Walking Dead, or whatever latest TV show that steals from us 45 minutes at a time and still appeal to our day jobs as the main thief of our difference making. We act as though the world can only be changed from 9-5.

There’s a whole 8 hours out there waiting for you to clutch it by the throat but we’d rather play poker with the fellas or see who the next America Ninja Warrior is.  1/3 of our days are full of potential, that’s where you’re no longer a name tag and you can become anything you want to be.  So be it.  You don’t even have to make money doing it! You just spent 8 hours of your day financing this venture of yours!

I hope, if nothing else, there’s someone out there that reads this and is emboldened to step out and start the next “big thing.” I hope there’s a Disrupter out there that realizes that the only thing holding them back is themselves.  I hope there’s one less “I had THAT idea years ago and I never did anything about it.” out there.

It’s Friday.  The weekend has started.  Every Friday at 5pm I clock out as Co-Owner of Forte Clothing Company and I clock in as Executive Director of Gamerosity.  I never want to look back on my life wondering why I didn’t do something worthwhile during those times I took those weekend naps.  There will always be another Bachelor, another Game of Thrones, another Ninja Warrior.  There will always be another NBA Champion.  There will always be another blockbuster movie.  But there will never, ever be another you.

Make the world feel your roar.

I know what I’m supposed to act like.

I know the rules of this gig. I’ve spent my whole adult life preparing myself to live up to some sort of leadership position.

I’ve sat under dozens of leaders (some more leadery than others) who’ve handled their positions of leadership in various ways to set the good and/or bad example. Some faked it so well they spent decades fooling their following into one ideal or another. Others have done the complete opposite and care so deeply, give so generously, lead so faithfully they continue to inspire all who come in contact with them.

And then there’s me.

I’ve been using the hashtag #AccidentalLeader lately. For one, I love clever hashtags. Won’t take much to get me wanting to put something on a t-shirt! But for another, I honestly feel this is the role I’m living out at the moment.

I’m neither qualified nor deserving of the position I’ve been put in as the voice people hear when they press “play” in a Gamerosity video. I’m just some guy who got Stage 4 cancer when he was 15 and spent the better part of his adulthood trying to move on from it. I’m known as a cancer survivor yet most of my survivorship was trying to forget that time of my life (obviously only to have it coming back and becoming a major part of my life presently). This is, by and large, why I think it’s ridiculous to make Gamerosity about me; my only merit is having been through what these children are going through today.

I didn’t start Gamerosity because I somehow achieved great perspective in my life and therefore ready to show the world my greatness, I started it out of a inescapable compelling. I had to respond to this feeling in my heart. The results of that response, with the support of so many other people, has led me to this place.

Where is this place?

I can’t quite describe it. There’s a conscious awareness that the things I write have meaning, influence, and purpose in the lives of others. That comes with this heavy responsibility to ensure that my words are short and purposed. There’s a mutual trust between myself and those who respond to the things I write. I can’t break that trust.

How can I look upon this responsibility and take advantage of others from it? I can’t. I won’t. Ever.

Maybe that’s what leadership is. Maybe it’s a bunch of “what the heck do I say?!”‘s going on and I’m just one of them. I doubt it, but maybe? If it is, I guess I feel a lot better right now because, for the most part, before I address anything controversial going on with Gamerosity, I be sure to run it by Combsy and Carlos before it posts. More often then not, I find myself changing direction altogether on my position and taking their advice.

And lately, there’s been a lot of me having to go to these guys before I respond to something. I think that’s what this post is about, maybe.

Gamerosity is growing, there’s no denying that. Our following isn’t “huge” by comparison to others, but it’s strong. Super strong. And fairly ubiquitous, which is kind of cool. But also terrifying.

I get to have interactions with people who are just now learning about Gamerosity who have no idea of the journey it took to get where we are. They don’t know why we don’t share certain things, why we don’t say certain things, why we post what we post. They simply hold us to the typical “non-profit/charity” measuring rod that people have used their whole lives and wonder why we’re not like them. It’s cool, I understand this comes with the territory, but guess who has to answer those questions? Yeah, this guy. And while some people believe they’re the first person to give a percentage of their sales to Gamerosity in exchange for promoting their “event” on our Facebook page (I simply can’t turn Gamerosity into an ad page.), I’ve made promises.

I’ll never marginalize anyone’s efforts, that’s not my point. I think my point is that I have to answer to all of these inquiries as though they’re the first to approach us. Not for any other reason but the fact that people deserve to be appreciated for caring about our Charity. How do you do that without sounding condescending or scripted? Yeah, I don’t know either. I just try to be real.

It just seems like people expect so much more. It’s simple. Do you want to help the work we’re doing at Gamerosity? Cool. Do something about it with the time you have available.

You want me to do something about it? I’m sorry, I already am.

Gamerosity isn’t my playground, it’s my passion. I wanted to do something so I used the time I had, volunteered, put forth an effort, assembled a team, and pushed as hard as I could to show it to the world. If I fail, I fail.

At the end of the day, I’m just a graphic designer who works for a screen printing company and moonlights as an Executive Director.

I don’t know if those are the “words to say” and I don’t know if that was very leadery, but I do know that if I and a group of my friends can do something special in our free time, you can do anything you want if your motives are right. And yeah, your motives do matter.

I want to help kids with cancer know they’re loved and valued. Those are my motives. Not to be famous. Not to get rich. Not to have followers or to gain your respect. I don’t need to be affirmed or coddled. I just need you to buy a shirt and use our platform.

“Yes, Dada.”

Over and over again, this was the challenge I set before my 7 year old son, Malachi throughout our #MunozFamilyStaycation this weekend.  Too often he asked “Where are we going next?!” WHILE we were doing something awesome as a family.  The kid is so used to surprises from his parents, sometimes he forgets just how rad his life is in that moment!  So right from the get-go, it became very clear what the theme was going to be throughout the weekend; Enjoy the moment.

If you know me or follow me at all, you know my life is pretty jam-packed with a little bit of EVERYTHING!  I co-own a graphic design and screen printing company.  I’m the Executive Director of an ever-growing charity.  I coach youth sports.  I play rec-league softball… you get the idea, lots of things, busy life, all that jazz.  Well, I took a look at my schedule and realized that we only had ONE WEEK in-between Malachi’s basketball and baseball season (not including Easter weekend), and then after baseball season is the crazy Gamerosity season where things pick up.  We HAD to do something as a family this weekend before life gets crazy again!

So I hit up AirBNB, jump on Hotwire.com, cruise through VRBO, and all of these sites to see where the best, most convenient place to best serve our family.  In the end, it was going to cost at least $380 just get a place for two nights for our family, not including gas, food, and entertainment.  By the time I added everything up, you’re looking at $800-$1000 for a family of 4.  Money we didn’t have.  I knew that if I spent that money, we’d spend the next couple months regretting those expenses, believe me, I’ve been there.

So I had to look at my options.

Cat didn’t want to cook all weekend, because what kind of vacation is that?!  And really, a hotel or room that we’d rent is essentially saying, “I don’t want to cook, clean, or make my bed.”  No problem, we won’t do any of that!  How about… We just stay local, do some rad stuff together, and then come home at the end of the night to sleep?  Cat was down, so was I.  Let me just say, we had a blast!  Cat and I couldn’t have been more thrilled with the weekend, even if it didn’t quite go as planned.

But there’s no way that would’ve happened if we didn’t stick to the rules.

ENJOY THE MOMENT
This obviously goes without saying.  Kinda.  You have to keep saying this to yourself over and over again.  Our culture has influenced us to measure joy by quantity, not quality, don’t let that happen.  Soak up each moment.  Remember the little things.  The way your girls’ hair flows in the wind.  The way your boys tongue sticks out when he colors.  The way your wife tries to physically absorb every ounce of sunlight.  These are the things stay hidden in your heart.  Don’t miss this because you might be late for a movie.  There’s always another movie.

STAY OUT OF THE HOUSE
Staycations aren’t often successful because it’s incredibly easy to “fall in line” and just simply do what you do every single weekend, so it’s really important to keep to your convictions about GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE!  If you don’t, you’ll find you and your family huddled around a TV, in your sweats, wasting away the day.  Don’t do that, at least, not during the day.

THE PLANS ARE MORE LIKE GUIDELINES
Your family is living and breathing, your plans should be, too.  This means, it’s wise to have a “heading” with the understanding that you may go off course, but that’s okay!  You want some room to breath. This is about your time together, not how many things that can get done in one day.  So, if lunch goes long or the kids want to swing a little more on the playground, that’s fine, just roll with it.

ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES
The plan was to stay in Ashland. We’d wake up late, go to Morning Glory for an amazing breakfast, then have the kids watch the ducks and play at the playground at Lithia park.  After Lithia park, coffee and treats at Mix for a bit before we head back up to hike Lithia Park leading to an early dinner at Caldera.  Easy peasy.  But the night before I remembered that I committed to attending a 3rd party Gamerosity fundraiser event a friend was putting together.  No problem, we’ll just head to their fundraiser after Mix, and then, depending on the time, we’d head back to Ashland, or go to Rogue Air Park so the kids can jump around and have fun!  Well, this photo was taken moments before Natalia accidentally got double-bounced and sprained her ankle.  It was a freak accident but my poor baby doesn’t do pain very well.  We knew that it probably wasn’t a break, but it would definitely include a doctor visit to make sure there’s not ligament or hairline fractures we’re not noticing.  Poor baby, we felt terrible for her.  This obviously meant no Rogue Air Trampoline Park, and definitely no out-to-dinner event.  We got Talia to the house to get some Tylenol and get her foot elevated.  How do we roll with this?  I asked myself, “Is this it?  Is our Staycation over?”  I grabbed a sheet and laid it out on the grass in the backyard and hung out with my Puggle Dash while we figured out how the rest of our vacation was going to go!  We decided it must go on!  I put on Alvin and the Chipmunks Road Chip (It was about 6pm by this time) and Cat picked up some Outback Steak House and brought it back.  We just rolled with the punches and we still had a great time together!

ONLY PAY CASH
This is a really wise idea.  I’m not Dave Ramsey.  Not even a little bit.  But the whole cash system is brilliant, especially on vacations.  It’s so easy to overspend with a debit card, but even easier with a debit card on vacation!  I pulled out about $600 cash, just to have on hand.  Each day, I put a specific amount in my pocket based on the expectations for that day (plus a little more, just in case).  There’s something very sacrificial about paying cash!  You see it go from your pocket, to the cashier, and out of your life!  It’s not like your debit card gets smaller every time you use it, you know?  It’s a great way to keep track.

NO ONE SAID YOU CAN’T GO TO SOMEONE ELSES HOME!
Saturday, just after Talia sprained her ankle, we received a text from a friend inviting us over for a BBQ.  I asked Cat, she shrugged her shoulders and said “Sure!”  Their kids are teenagers and they took care of our kids while we hung out with the adults and had a blast!  I can probably honestly say that we wouldn’t have gone there had we had a “normal” weekend where all I probably would have wanted to do is take the after-church nap!

IT’S NOT BEING CHEAP IF IT’S THOUGHTFUL
Parks are free.  Hiking is free. And most of the time, it’s these free things that bring out more of the beauty of your family than the things you pay for.  What do you learn about your family if you’re all staring at a movie screen?  Seeing how hard Malachi could push himself to reach the top of Roxy Ann, or seeing Natalia appreciate the beauty of our Valley from our vantage point are priceless.  Having moments where I get to see my wonderful family’s individual characteristics are wonderful!  Seeing the joy in Malachi’s face when we reached the top was really special.  Cracking jokes with Cat about inside things are free.  Laughing together with your best friend is super special.  Watching Natalia conquer her fears with the “big slide” or seeing the kids spin themselves in circles at the Playground… those things, you’ll never find out about your children by handing them a tablet so you can get 10 more minutes of nap time (we’ve all been guilty of that!).

Overall, In a weekend that included late breakfast’s, lots of coffees and chocolate milk stops, dinners out, snacks, Family Fun Center, lots of walking, a doctor visit, and a whole lot of unforgettable, special moments, we spent $405 this weekend.  Super reasonable all things considered.  Our lives are getting simpler as they’re getting busier.  I’m learning more and more about my quirky 7 year old boy and my precious 5 year old girl.  I’m sharing some special memories with my wife and am enjoying a relationship with her that I never thought I’d have.  She’s incredible and I’m so thankful she can dress up and do some fancy things with me, and she can be so easy going and enjoy the simple things.

You can’t look ahead and you can’t worry about how things may have been in the past.  You have to enjoy this moment right here.  Don’t worry about the next thing, excel at being present in this moment and find something meaningful to capture from it.  I guess I can thank Malachi for making me realize how important not looking for the “next thing” is from the very beginning!

It was the first time I pitched Gamerosity in about 9 months. I mean, I really had to sell the “heart” behind us, not our process, not our product, but our purpose. Getting to the heart of GMR was the only way I knew we can get through those doors, and I freaking NAILED IT. I was so reinvigorated by the response yesterday on our Anniversary and that pitch, I’m feeling so good about Gamerosity right now.

I don’t know if they’ll be willing to work with us because we may be way too far apart on $$$, but they’ve captured the vision and the purpose and that’s really important because sometimes winning the small goal isn’t as important as having allies in the industry down the road.  By the time I walked out of that office, there were two new believers in the work we’re doing for Childhood Cancer.

Purpose matters more than profit, more than catchy one-liners, and more than one individual person.  WHY Gamerosity exists is the message that matters the most.  We exist because too many children feel isolated and disconnected from friends and loved ones.  Too many children feel like nobody knows what they’re going through.  We’re here to heal that.  The Hero Packages we give children are just one part of that purpose, this next step can make a huge difference and I’m willing to walk the long, lonely, potentially discouraging road of using the resources given to us by the Sheckler Foundation in the most appropriate, and most meaningful way.

The Board has empowered me to lead Gamerosity, and you have empowered me to fight for Gamerosity and that’s what I’ll do.  In a couple weeks, I’ll receive a proposal from this development team and then I’ll have my heading for the next step in this long road.  Whatever happens, I know 100% that my “sell” for Gamerosity will always be on the foundation that we’re trying to do something that larger non-profits simply don’t do and we want partners and Sidekicks who believe in something bigger than logic and the Bottom Line.  And it starts with me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be “that leader” that everyone looks up to, that writes books on leadership, or goes on speaking tours, but I will do everything I can to be the leader that maybe inspires people to think, “Well, I can do that…” because really, that’s our foundation, the power of “us” caring about every little detail of the people we serve.  And to me, that’s what matters most… how we speak to the things that awaken our souls.

I didn’t know her when she had Leukemia in Jr. High.  I went to a different Middle School so I had no clue.  I remember our mutual friends mentioning it here and there, but it was a lifetime before I met her, in another world where friends spoke of visiting Nicole in the hospital, when she lost her hair, and how they celebrated her being alive.  I never brought it up with her because, what did I know about cancer?  I had never even heard of SNL!  I thought it was best to just be a friend and never ask her about that life.  By Sophomore year we all started figuring out our “place” as High Schoolers.  She joined Drill Team, I was focused on basketball (and girls).

And then April 1st, 1999 happened…

What happened on April 1st, 1999?  “It is cancer” happened.  In a span of a month and a half, I gained a fresh new scar on my neck, a sweet new cane to help me walk from the tumors in my back, and a fancy new diagnosis as a cancer patient.  Literally the first thing that came to my mind on that long drive from West Covina to Montebello in my dad’s white van back to school was “If Nicole could beat cancer, I could beat it.” And I kept thinking that over and over in my head.

By the time I got back to school, I was numb.  Why my dad let me go back to school is beyond me.  He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him “just take me to school.” I think we both knew neither of us were much for words in that moment.  His son just got diagnosed with cancer, who has the right words in moments like that?

I walked my way to the quad, it was lunch time.  I walked to the spot where my friends ate their lunch and I thought to myself, “just keep it low key, Manny. No need for a scene, nobody really cares anyway.  Just go through your day, let Mike know, maybe Marlyna.  Ruben (my brother) will find out later, we don’t hang out at school anyway.”  By this time, everything is moving in slow motion and I see Mike.  Mike is smiling, carefree, no worries.  He looked at me and it was obvious I have no poker face because his smile was instantly gone.  He knew what was up.  He asked what was going on, and I lost it.  Completely lost it.  I managed to bumble out the words, “I have cancer” and then the tears and life became a dramatic, poorly directed teen genre movie.  Everyone was crying.  Everyone.  And somehow, in this moment that stood still word got to my brother and he came running over to see what was going on and we hugged.  It was surreal.

That was my, “how did you react when you got cancer” moment.

Nicole and I never talked about it. I don’t know if she felt guilty or if she just didn’t have the words to say, or what… but when I looked into her eyes, all I saw was sadness, pain, and hurt.  Like she just couldn’t get away from cancer, because here I am, with devastating news of myself.  She knew the road that was ahead of me.  All I knew was, if Nicole could do it, so can I.  I said that to myself often throughout treatment.

If Nicole could beat this thing, so can I.

Fastforward 6 months or so.

Mike is now Starting QB for our JV football team our Junior year of high school.  I just finished chemo.  My hair is peach fuzz now, and I’m feeling pretty good about life.  I’m sitting with my friend Camille watching the game and after a few minutes she asks, “Did you hear about Nicole?” and the second she says that, I knew.  Nicole relapsed.  She has leukemia again.  I ask if she knew where she was at and I chase her down.

Nicole and I sat at the steps leading to the basketball gym, just us.  Most people are either watching the football game or doing their own thing.  We’re both in tears and I ask her how she’s doing.  She says she’s ok.  I put my arm around her and I say, “Nicole, look at me, if I can beat this, so can you.” and she smiles and says, “I know” but her eyes are teary and defeated.  I say a couple more things and then I head back to the game in a fog of sadness.

Like, how can this happen?  It’s not fair.  Nicole wasn’t supposed to get cancer again.  She was supposed to be fine and her and I were going to be these two awesome friends, survivors, who beat cancer, a pillar of strength and survivorship.  She’s got to beat this.

I never visited Nicole in the hospital.  Ever.  I saw her once while she was in treatment. She came by the school.  She was about 40 lbs lighter, wearing a wig, in a wheelchair.  She was so sick.  I tried to be funny and make her laugh and I failed miserably.  I mentioned something about eating a double-double and she gave a faint smile and said “I wish” (I can’t imagine when she last ate, knowing what I know now). I said goodbye and went back to practice.

The next time I saw Nicole was her funeral.

I cried so hard at her funeral.  Mike tried calming me down, but I couldn’t adequately describe the guilt I felt for not being there for her.  Of all people on this planet, I should’ve been a better friend to her.  I’ll never forgive myself for that.

I have a lot of Nicoles in my life now.  A lot of incredible human beings who shined a light so bright only to have it snuffed out by cancer.  Brilliant minds.  Kind hearts.  Giving souls.  Just talented people. And yet, here I am, alive when these other people aren’t.  I carry them with me because I’m not a parent of a child with cancer.  I’m not an artist or talented person who, because of my wonderful heart, has dedicated my life to using my talent for good.  I’m one of them, but I’m left on the other side of it as a Survivor.  And I’ve made them all a promise.

My promise isn’t to find a cure or any incredible mission like that.  My promise is to be there.  To let kids with cancer know they’re not forgotten and that they’re valued.  To honor Nicoles legacy, Michael’s legacy, Lola’s, Yesenia’s, Alex’s, Jack’s, and all these beautiful children I’ve met along the way.  It’s the only way I can temper this deep, deep pain and guilt in my heart.

Gamerosity is for them.  I believe in God.  I believe that Jesus healed me.  A lot of my life, I tried to find purpose in it.  It wasn’t until I stopped trying to dedicate my life to it and started dedicating it to them that I found real power in this healing.

I’m not sure I’ll ever escape the guilt that comes with Survivorship.  I worry less and less about escaping it as the days go by.  The guilt is a part of me.  If you know me, chances are you’ve seen it in my eyes.

Just don’t mind me when I get like that.  I’m still trying to figure it all out.

How is this my life?

Honestly, I have no clue, but I’m never going to wake up from this dream.

Over the last week, I’ve been able to meet hundreds of incredible people who shared thoughtful, heartfelt words of gratitude about Gamerosity and the role I get to play in it.  Our first ever GameOn Day outside of our HQ (Medford, OR) was a huge success.  It was unbelievable watching so many families and friends and loved ones get together and live out our vision for this day.  All we wanted to do was give children and families a chance to simply BE KIDS!  To enjoy life and childhood and all the things cancer tries to steal away.

We were at it for months leading up to the event.  Facebook Messages at all hours of the day with acquaintances who would later become friends and after that, become family.  Phone calls, emails, daily check-in’s and even challenging conversations about accomplishing goals were exchanged with a group of 9 individuals who I believe shared my heart for Childhood Cancer.  It all culminated last Saturday as all these plans turned into reality and a field full of people on a college campus enjoyed life together.

“This is the edge of life.” I felt myself saying and thinking over and over again.  Truthfully, a part of me doesn’t know what it means, but I definitely know what it feels like.  It’s the depth of emotion and the line we walk on between generosity and vulnerability.  It means exposing your heart and allowing the gamut of emotions to be experienced, unguarded.  It’s the place many don’t allow themselves to go because it’s too difficult articulating, managing, and explaining away these feelings.

All we cared about was bringing joy, and all we experienced was gratitude reciprocated.  It’s so humbling to be a part of, it breaks me to feel all this emotion and not know precisely how to approach it all, other than to fall on my knees and thank God for allowing me to be as broken as these families need me to be.  And truly, I was.  Broken and humbled.

I met so many families. So many traveled from so far just to introduce themselves and share their love for our (apparently not-so) little non-profit.  One family traveled 4 hours each way to come hang out.  Others, a couple hours.  How can I not thank them and be humble for such genuine acts of love?

How can I not be overwhelmed when a sweet young girl sees me at Children’s Hospital and recognizes me because we delivered a Hero Package to her 2 years ago?  How in the world can she even remember who I am?  I’m just some dude!  How can facilitating special packages mean so much to so many people?  I mean, a lot of people ship packages to children?  I don’t have a unique mission.  What makes me so lucky to care and be cared for?  I don’t know, honestly.

All I really know and care about is that I’m going to stand on the Edge, be vulnerable and allow God to use me as He sees fit.  I promise, I won’t protect my feelings, I’ll take it all in.  The joy, the good times, the pain, the bad times. The heartbreak and the hustle, I’m going to live in it because one day, I’m going to die.  And when that happens, I want to be remembered for doing the Baymax Big Hero 6 fist bump with Brooklyn.  I want to be remembered for giving a 15 year old boy with Leukemia an Xbox 360 just because.  I want to be remembered for the moments that no cameras are around and I take a terminal 12 year old boy to see Ninja Turtles because I think he’d like it.  I want to be remembered for living on the Edge of Life, inhaling opportunities to love, exhaling gratitude.  Every moment.

Is it for you?  It’s for all of us.  I don’t believe God made us to play it safe when it comes to being vulnerable with our emotions and helping others.  I don’t believe God has called us to passively care for others.  We weren’t made to sit on the sidelines and provide commentary, nor were we made to protect our emotions for fear of seeming human.  You were made for this.  Whatever it is that stirs your heart that helps other people, get all the way to the edge.  If you fail, fail gloriously. You’ll find out more about yourself than you ever have your whole life.  You’re capable of so much good, you just have to be okay with the pain of helping others, because the purpose in the pain is so rich.

I’m no one special.  I’m the leader of a non-profit that empowers children with cancer, no idea why the Board still let’s me do it, other than they know I’ve allowed my identity to be fully engulfed in this process.  And if you see me, I hope we can encourage one another to do great things for others.  I hope you know I’m just like you, and I pray we get to see the world get just a little more life-y-er together.

#LiveYourGratitude