15 Feb Obsession Depression
I’ve been going back and forth about posting this. I mean, it’s been months since I’ve provided content and this is going to be my first post? Undiagnosed sadness? A case of the Eeyore’s?
Yeah. I think it’s going to have to be.
I have to be transparent. I want to be honest. I’m the result of what happens when truly ordinary people attempt to do something worthwhile and meaningful. Sure, I have some character traits that may fuel me to push harder on things others may choose not to be a part of, but the reality is, I’m honestly just some ordinary dude from the San Gabriel Valley.
One thing about me though is I have an obsessive personality. Things HAVE to be done a certain way. Gamerosity HAS to use certain colors, use specific language, and be presented a certain way. Forte HAS to have certain design standards. I care so deeply about how this is all perceived to the point that I exhaust those around me.
The last few months have been some of the most difficult months I’ve experienced in a long time. The expectations, the responsibilities, the pressure, and most of all, the weather… the terrible, awful, depressing weather, has brought about this thick, dark, gloomy cloud of sadness in my soul. This deep, piercing, inescapable darkness has hovered over me these last few months.
I’m still me. I still have to be daddy to two beautiful children. I still have to be husband to a loving wife. I still have to be business owner and employer at a screen printing company, and, of course, I still have to be Executive Director of a forever fluctuating charity for childhood cancer. I still make videos smiling and trying to be excited and vibrant and be the person(a) I’m expected to be. But deep down, I just want my blanket burrito and The Office on repeat. I mean, come on, I’m 33 years old. I can’t spend much time self-examinating or introspecting anymore. I have to keep moving forward and push through. And if I’m being honest, no one really cares how I’m feeling if I’m not making an impact anyway.
And really, that’s the only anecdote I can think of… moving forward. Never stopping, never waiting for someone else to make your day. I don’t always do it right. Some days I hope Griff will praise my shirt design or Rebekah will compliment an idea I have for Gamerosity or Lance will throw props for how thoughtful I (think I) am, but it’s not up to them to change my world, it’s up to me to change other peoples’ world. People fail you. Chances are, I’ve failed you. And because we live in a very transactional culture, we expect people to improve our lives before we attempt to improve the lives of others.
That’s not reckless love. Reckless love is assessing your beauty in how you support and love others. I know sadness and depression make it difficult to make others feel loved, but push past it. Your ROI gives forward. Beauty is meant to be outward, not inward. Give beauty, give love, give and trust God that your greatest value is found in bringing love and light to others, not putting out another’s light. I’m guilty, but I’m not defeated. I’m just a little sad.
So today, I want you to know that you’re beautiful. I want you to know you have real, true, meaningful purpose in your life. If I can help you in any way, I’ll try my best, just know that I’m here. This sadness will pass. Together.